NICOTIANA UMBRELLA

-I could look at a woman smoking for hours.
-I got nothing but breath…

(dialogue improvement)

Instructions:

1. Lie down on your bed.
2. Position unlit cigarette between first and second fingers of right hand; grasp lighter in left hand.
3. Lean head forward until forehead touches knee.
4. Extend arms forward, flicking lighter. Slowly rise, and bend backwards. Cigarette is lit.
5. Place cigarette between upper and lower lips and inhale; cough on exhale.
6. Focus on the release of tension attained through the power of totally organic nicotine.
7. Sleep.

Faye smoked 3924 cigarettes. I smoked 2024. Taken together in two hours, it was probably the single greatest of cigarette smoking in history. We made a list of the top ten greatest songs of the month and the songs are from number ten to number one: Make Me Proud; All I Really Want; More; Thinking About You; What We Do; Let Me See the Booty; Why Were Fighting; Too Easy; Have Your Way; Rockin’ That Shit.
I said, I will need many millions of dollars. Faye said, Why should I give them you? I will build up an infinite Nicotiana trees forest that will embrace all aspects of ultimate truth and beauty, I said, we will then chew the tobacco, smoke the tobacco and and people will give you money to view us chewing and smoking. Faye said, I’ve heard these promises before. Many times. Daily. Watch this, I said. And Faye burst into flames. I can respect this kind of power, she responded, but I am not convinced, she said. Watch this, I said. And outside our panoramic conference room the sun set behind a perfect, amazing bluff that we had never seen before and soon the stars rose in a bright and hazy streak across the forest smokey sky.

Terius walked up the driveway and went to the front door and knocked the knocker and asked the Mom: Is Faye home? The Mom said, They’re in the forest, Terius. We said: Hi, I’m The-Dream and I’ve got a nice purple splotch on my face. Hi, I’m The-Dream and I walked in the Nicotiana forest and Elvira and Faye spit warm and wet chewed tobacco at me and I didn’t even realize it. The Mom said, Don’t chew too much tobacco kids or you’ll get sick. Terius said, Can I have some? He stepped foot in direction of the forest and tried to approach the sacred route. We told him: You’re not allowed until you pass the test. What test? asked Terius. The test took place underneath the back porch, right next to the forest. Terius got on the ground and pulled down his pants. Don’t give me a wedgie, he said. Faye sat on Terius’ legs and struck the little green garden hose that attaches to the big black garden hose in his butt. She dropped three stones one by one into the hose. The stones rattled and clanked. She poured a handful of dirt into the hose. The dirt sifted and slid slowly. Terius yelled: Cut it out. Hey, cut it out, Faye, it hurts. Faye said, pussy. Confirmed, I said. We told him: Rule number one. Never pronounce the E when a name ends with E. Tiger got up and went into the corner and bent over and made a face. Faye said, Jeezy’s greatest line from Standing Ovation is, “Calculate my every step, I’m a mathematician, Make them pigeons disappear, I’m a damn magician (yeah)”. I said, “I’m the author of the book, yea a genius wrote it ‘jeah’, There’s a message in my words you gotta decode it ay'”. Thug Motivation, Faye said. “Ay” she repeated. Correct, said I. Terius said, can I enter the forest now? We told him: You got a pussy. That means you have to pass set number two. Terius said, What’s test umber two? Faye said, Do you know what the best song is? Terius said, No. Faye said, The Night Chicago Died. Terius said, So? Faye said, Do you know what the best movie is? Terius said, No. Faye said, The best movie is Total Recall. Terius said, So? Faye picked up the bicycle pump and showed it to Terius. Faye said, Do you know what this is? Terius said: Bicycle pump. Faye said: Wrong. This is the most unbelievable farting machine ever created. I said, You won’t believe it. Faye said, This is the best. I said, It’s unbelievable. Faye said, Bend over. Terius bent over. Faye took the end of the bicycle pump and stuck it in his butt. Stay still, I said. I started pumping. I pumped and Terius started giggling and I pumped and he grabbed his stomach and giggled and I pumped and Terius said, That’s enough and I pumped a couple more times until it got hard to pump the lever and Terius reached around and pulled out the end of the bicycle pump and cut the single greatest fart in the history of farting. He farted one long fart which didn’t change in pitch or volume but just kept going and Terius held his stomach which was puffed up and said, Make it go down. Faye and I hit the dirt. We rolled in the dirt and laughed the soundless laugh. Then we went on youtube, watched bits of Total Recall and ruled that it was not the best film. However we agreed that the best lines were:

Elvira: Open the goddamn door!
Faye: I can’t.
Elvira: Open it!
Faye: They’re all connected.

Then we changed our minds. The best lines were actually:

Elvira: What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?
Faye: I give up.
Elvira: You! You’re the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It’s always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I know it sounds wild. It is the latest thing in travel. We call it the Ego Trip.

We confirmed. We began to watch bits of Basic Instinct but did not really finish because Faye got the runs and had to go home.
The myth if you is broken, I said. The myth if you is broken too Elvira, Faye said. You’re still young I said, It could be a phase. Faye looked at me: The smell of the dentures, she said. What’s with the smell of the dentures, I said. I can’t take it anymore, she replied. For you, I would improve my brushing technique, I said. Faye said, We need security. You are ineffectual and silly. She stuck a toothpick between her teeth and hopped a passing wagon train. She waved her arm twice, long and slow, then did the same with one of her legs, long and slow, before turning away and vanishing into the dusty horizon ahead.
I said to Terius: Faye’s left. Who’s Faye? He said. Still, I sat on the forest floor. I developed a sudden need to smoke. My teeth rattled in my palm like dice. Welcome, Terius said. Shut up, I said, I am a girl, if I was not a girl I would tear at my guts, but there are none. I am a girl. Terius replied, I have never been so happy. The forest is a failure, I said. Fuck the forest, Terius said. My name is The-Dream, for Christ’s sake. We stared at each other for a long moment. Red juice stained his chin. You’re bleeding, Terius. Show me your tongue, I said. I don’t want to be unseemly, he replied and sighed. I said, If there was some place we could cleanse. Plant what I have taken from you in the forest Elvira, he said. I buried my teeth, small and worn now, under a young Nicotiana tree. We lied down, it rained, and afterwards, a rainbow.

I woke up I said, Hi Terius. He was now sitting in his new car, listening to the radio. He said, My mother says I can’t play with you anymore. I lit a cigarette, we shared it and rode to Faye’s house, pushed the doorbell but no one answered. We moved around, climbed onto the house’s wall over the garage and looked throughout the window and saw Faye. She was smoking a huge cigarette and watching an unspecified episode of Episodes. She was wearing braids and therefore looked a little bit like Ludacris. Hi, I’m Faye and I look a little bit like Ludacris. Hi, I’m Faye and I have very bad breath. Hi, I’m Faye and that’s the way it is for now. Hello you two, I’m Faye’s father. We startled, my hand slid on the edge of the window, I fell and grabbed The-Dream’s foot, his hand slid too and we both fell in front of the garage like bird craps. The father said: She’s lying down. She’s nauseous. Her tongue was dark brown when she came home and she made in her pants because she couldn’t help it. I want you to promise me to stay out of the Nicotiana forest for two days. Promise me, Terius. Promise me, Elvira. Promise me that you won’t let Faye enter the forest.

My phone rang. I startled again, jumped off the edge of the driveway’s wall as if to pounce on my own pocket where the phone was ringing. Then I hear Faye’s shrill voice speaking to me, and I withdraw to a dark corner of the garden. Yo E, it’s me Faye, Pick up… I think she’s not answering… no, I think it’s a Beverly Hills number… who the fuck knows? E-E, I’m doing book signing tonight and wanted to see if we could hook up after… E? This is the only chance I got. I won’t be in town for a couple of weeks, book tour in Italy. Who knew that pomodori could also read? Ha ha. I can send a car, E. OK, I’m running out of time here, Seven o’clock, I’d love to see-

Phone ran out of battery. Now Faye was listening with her headphones to the Elton John album Elton John, which should have been at least number twenty-five on the all-time top 100 album list. There was no noise except for Faye’s breathing. She nodded when she saw me. I sat on the sofa across from her sofa. I lied down. Faye said very loudly although she thought she was speaking normally: Baby, you make me wish I had three hands. I am not a three-breasted hooker, Faye. There was a plate on the living room table with fruits in it. I took a banana and pretended to smoke it. Then I took a mandarin and placed it between my breasts. Then I went to the window and peeled two other mandarins, well one mandarin and an orange, and threw the peels towards Terius’ house. It landed in the bushes and on the father’s car. I wound up and threw another. Then i threw the naked fruit itself. It all bounced off the side of the house. Faye removed the headphones and picked up a orange peel and hurled it. It bounced off Terius’ window. Then I threw an orange and a mandarin and they both hit the window. There were no more mandarins, no more oranges, no more peels. A couple of minutes later the doorbell rang and we looked out the window and saw Terius’ mother standing on the doorstep with a pile of dripping orange and mandarin peels in her hand. We went into Faye’s father’s closet and closed the door and pulled the rope to make the ladder come down and climbed the ladder into the attic and crawled into the crawl space beside he attic window where absolutely no one I repeat no one could possibly find us no matter how long they looked especially not Terius’ Fat Ass Mother and her stinky fruit peels. Faye said: I got the runs but it was worth it. 3924 cigarettes, a new all-time record. A shiver ran down my spine, as it always did. I could never tell for sure whether she could read my thoughts or not. We lied there patiently.

Barfly (1987)

Trouble Rainbow 2, Favorite Goods, CA